Too Sick to Work?

For most of this week, I have been suffering from a head cold. It has been a doozy. It has wiped me out, physically and emotionally. I didn't want to work. I just wanted to sleep the day away. It wasn't possible. I tried. When I attempted to take a nap, instead of relaxing, sleeping and recuperating, I laid there wide awake wondering how everything I wanted to do this week was going to be accomplished. I didn't feel creative with a pounding headache. So I focused on the administrative things I wanted to finish up this week. I thought those would be benign enough (remembering my corporate days when I went to work sick all the time) that I could push things forward even if it weren't at the speed things would move if I were healthy. No such luck. I found the administrative tasks annoying. Basically, nothing was going to make me happy. I went back to bed.

This went on for a few days. I would start something, not finish it, go lie down, get up and start it again. I also forced myself to be creative for a bit. I mixed up a color for the next layer of resin I wanted to add to two pieces I'm working on. I followed through to completion. Although I felt a sense of accomplishment, I was disappointed. I didn't like the color selection. It obviously was reflecting my state of mind at the time. It was just a little bit off, like I was. I went back to bed.

This morning, after a restless night of sleep, I felt a little better. Or I should say, I felt I was on the road to recovery to rejoin the living. But even though I wasn't feeling 100% yet, I felt inspired. I felt it was time to tackle something. I was energized but I didn't have much energy. I was encouraged and optimistic but still wanted to go back to bed. I decided to get up and go to work, like it was any other day. I'm glad I did. I added the next layer to the pieces I had been working on all week and although I still don't like the color from yesterday, I thought of a way to incorporate it into the pieces as I continue to pour additional layers. I KNOW that this "off" color will work perfectely when I add the other colors later. The "play" I was looking for will be there, probably better than if I had done what the original idea. I suddenednly began to love the color. I also began a new piece, one I had be "avoiding" becuase the concept seemed challenging. Although it was a challenge, it wasn't as bad as I had imagined. My conclusion is that I was inspired and creative even in my sick state. My ability to create is not dependent on my mood or physical ability. My ability to create is on my willingness and intention to create. Any my perserverance to push through fueled the fire so to speak. I had more to work with today, if that makes any sense. It is kind of like I know and can do "it" when things are not perfect, I can't imagine what I can "do" when things are nearly perfect. It pushed me up a rung on the ladder.

I once heard, and still believe it today, that there are no mistakes in art. Art happens. It is the result of creation. If I take it at face value, it seems obvious that my work this week would be at the same caliber as if I were healthy. But I realized a few things. First, I want to love "my mistakes." Those ugly ducklings that I produce. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and perhaps those "mistakes" are signpost to a new direction that will yield bigger and greater success. I also learned to get out of my own way. Having a cold drained my energy and my resolve. I didn't have to fortitude to do what I envisioned for the piece. I just did something to placate my guilt. I'm glad I did. My guard was down and the result will be a unique color combination I would not have intentionally tried. I want to find a way to drop my guard when I'm feeling better. I want to maintain a resolve to create without putting conditions on the outcome. I want to enjoy all my work, not because I declared it good or bad, but simply because I helped in its creation. But ultimately I learned that I want to create whenever I have the chance. To just keep going. Today builds on yesterday and if I didn't build anything yesterday, where is my foundation for today? That sounds a be heady but I think you know what I mean.