Grey day, grey mood, too many unrealistic expectations. This is how I started the day. I was recently brought to my attention that I have many expectations regarding things about which I have no control. This would include other people's behavior, likes and dislikes, or events that are have a high probablity of not occurring. All day today I have been struggling with the notion that I can acknowledge and occassionally change my expectations, and then go on. And by changing my expectations, possibly have more of them satisfied.
I have 40 years experience of placing expectations on others, without them knowing it, and then secretly being disappointed when the expectations go unfulfilled. Soon after resentment begins to build. I like the idea of the other approach. Modify my expectations to things I can control or influence, namely my behavior, and let everything else go. The first part I can see doing and I can see the benefits. It is similar to personal goal setting or a self pep talk. The second half however, letting everything else go, including the behavior of others seems completely foreign to me. I understand that it enough to know that it makes perfect sense, intellectually speaking. But from an emotional standpoint, I've never done it. I can't visualize what that would look like or feel. And hence my dilemma.
The one part that I think is fascinating is that if/when I can let go of placing expectations on others or things outside my control, I will, in theory, experience less disappointment and resentment. Focus inward, not outward. I totally get it. I will have to play with this. I don't know how to do it.
Showing posts with label Let go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Let go. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
I Yearn Therefore I Am
I was having lunch today with some friends when Tom used the word "yearning." I mentioned that people don't use the work "yearning" much. To be honest, I thought I should look it up just in case it is one of those words I use incorrectly (yes, it happens). One definition that kept popping up is "To have a strong, often melancholy desire. " Seems intense to me. But, I can also relate.
As an emerging artist, I have notice that I have many yearnings. I yearn to create original and impactful art. I also yearn to sell it. Sometimes, since I am single, I yearn for a relationship and companionship. Ironically, in past relationships, I have yearned to be single again. I think this is nothing more than "the grass is always greener." I digress.
It is the fact that there is melancholy attached to the strong desire that I fine the most interesting. But it is true, I do have some pensiveness and/or sadness attached to the idea of selling my art work. I have to let it go and live its own life away from me so I do mourn a bit when I sell. On the flip side, when I'm not selling, I mourn the lack of money. In creating the art, a similar process takes place. I have a very strong desire to create something "good" and yet, if I don't or suspend the notion of "good", I'm left with the simple act of creating regardless of the impact so my urge goes unsatisfied. I continue to yearn.
At times, I yearn to stop yearning. Fat chance that will happen! I would prefer to focus on the here and now, the process, the act of creating and let the future and goals sort themselves out for themselves. But as hard as I try, I still have some future focus, some desire that is currently going unfulfilled. Maybe that is human nature. Maybe it is okay to yearn, knowing that if/when my desire is fulfilled, things will change and that is where the sadness comes in, mourning what was while embracing what can or will be. I feel like I'm making this more complex than it is. Basically, in order for me to get something, I have to let go of something else first. In that context, yearning may not be so bad after all. And, it really may be the right description for creating something new or letting something go.
I just noticed that I have resin all over my leg. I yearn to be clean so I have to go wash my leg.
As an emerging artist, I have notice that I have many yearnings. I yearn to create original and impactful art. I also yearn to sell it. Sometimes, since I am single, I yearn for a relationship and companionship. Ironically, in past relationships, I have yearned to be single again. I think this is nothing more than "the grass is always greener." I digress.
It is the fact that there is melancholy attached to the strong desire that I fine the most interesting. But it is true, I do have some pensiveness and/or sadness attached to the idea of selling my art work. I have to let it go and live its own life away from me so I do mourn a bit when I sell. On the flip side, when I'm not selling, I mourn the lack of money. In creating the art, a similar process takes place. I have a very strong desire to create something "good" and yet, if I don't or suspend the notion of "good", I'm left with the simple act of creating regardless of the impact so my urge goes unsatisfied. I continue to yearn.
At times, I yearn to stop yearning. Fat chance that will happen! I would prefer to focus on the here and now, the process, the act of creating and let the future and goals sort themselves out for themselves. But as hard as I try, I still have some future focus, some desire that is currently going unfulfilled. Maybe that is human nature. Maybe it is okay to yearn, knowing that if/when my desire is fulfilled, things will change and that is where the sadness comes in, mourning what was while embracing what can or will be. I feel like I'm making this more complex than it is. Basically, in order for me to get something, I have to let go of something else first. In that context, yearning may not be so bad after all. And, it really may be the right description for creating something new or letting something go.
I just noticed that I have resin all over my leg. I yearn to be clean so I have to go wash my leg.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Sell it on eBay!
Commercialism is a rush!
I just finished setting up my eBay Store for Nolan Studios (http://stores.ebay.com/nolanstudios). I expect to have items listed by the end of the week. I am currently experiencing a rush of adrenaline coupled with a bit of anxiety. This is uncharted territory for me. I like the idea of being a "shopkeeper." It feels so medieval. Since I quit my corporate job to focus on art full time, the past 3 months have been packed with first experiences and there seemed to be no end in sight. Change is coming faster and faster, and with it, I'm doing more and more. It seems to feed on each other. The more I do, the more things change. The more things change, the more I do. Along with it, I am gaining a rise in personal energy. Today was one of the most productive days I've had in ages or even perhaps ever. I'm very excited. Just one more day on the emotional roller coaster.
The excitement today is originating from the idea that it is possible to step outside of the conventional norm and thrive. I have been having doubts. What I mean by stepping outside the norm is being true to myself, deciding specifically not to follow the crowd or societal expectations, but to do my own "thing." I have hope now. Hope for the future, hope for the present. I am willing to try for the sake of trying, not for what might come out of it. I don't think I could have said that in the past. I always felt constrained, limited, suppressed, intimidated. Sure, I was successful, according to the definition of others, but I never felt that way. I always felt like I fell short. The truth is, I was falling short, according to my standards. And with falling short, I criticized myself and others. That didn't help AT ALL! If fact, I think it made things worse. I was so focus on the flaws of others, I distracted myself from seeing what I wanted, what I needed to work on, how I could be a better person, how I had the potential to make myself happy.
So what I noticed about being true to myself is that I have to let go. (No, this is not an ad for Alcoholic Anonymous - Let go, Let God. Never a bad idea however.) I have to let go of expectations, those I have for myself, those I have for others, and those others may have for me. Only then can I truly be true to myself, step outside convention and do my thing. I want to focus my energy on what I have control over, namely me. Everyone else can go do their thing while I do mine. This all sounds very good to me. I'm not there yet.
What does this have to do with eBay? Today, I let go of the negative comments I have heard that one cannot make money selling art on eBay. I think I may have even repeated it (if not believed it) myself. Before I pushed the button, a wave of anxiety hit me. That was all I needed to feel to KNOW this was the right thing to do. I threw away old expectations and beliefs based on hearsay and conjecture (I wonder how much fact actually lives in expectations) and pushed the button. Instantaneously, the anxiety turned into excitement for what may happen next, what door this may have opened. Old habits are hard to break but I think it is time for me to let go some more. I enjoy being an artist and a shopkeeper.
I just finished setting up my eBay Store for Nolan Studios (http://stores.ebay.com/nolanstudios). I expect to have items listed by the end of the week. I am currently experiencing a rush of adrenaline coupled with a bit of anxiety. This is uncharted territory for me. I like the idea of being a "shopkeeper." It feels so medieval. Since I quit my corporate job to focus on art full time, the past 3 months have been packed with first experiences and there seemed to be no end in sight. Change is coming faster and faster, and with it, I'm doing more and more. It seems to feed on each other. The more I do, the more things change. The more things change, the more I do. Along with it, I am gaining a rise in personal energy. Today was one of the most productive days I've had in ages or even perhaps ever. I'm very excited. Just one more day on the emotional roller coaster.
The excitement today is originating from the idea that it is possible to step outside of the conventional norm and thrive. I have been having doubts. What I mean by stepping outside the norm is being true to myself, deciding specifically not to follow the crowd or societal expectations, but to do my own "thing." I have hope now. Hope for the future, hope for the present. I am willing to try for the sake of trying, not for what might come out of it. I don't think I could have said that in the past. I always felt constrained, limited, suppressed, intimidated. Sure, I was successful, according to the definition of others, but I never felt that way. I always felt like I fell short. The truth is, I was falling short, according to my standards. And with falling short, I criticized myself and others. That didn't help AT ALL! If fact, I think it made things worse. I was so focus on the flaws of others, I distracted myself from seeing what I wanted, what I needed to work on, how I could be a better person, how I had the potential to make myself happy.
So what I noticed about being true to myself is that I have to let go. (No, this is not an ad for Alcoholic Anonymous - Let go, Let God. Never a bad idea however.) I have to let go of expectations, those I have for myself, those I have for others, and those others may have for me. Only then can I truly be true to myself, step outside convention and do my thing. I want to focus my energy on what I have control over, namely me. Everyone else can go do their thing while I do mine. This all sounds very good to me. I'm not there yet.
What does this have to do with eBay? Today, I let go of the negative comments I have heard that one cannot make money selling art on eBay. I think I may have even repeated it (if not believed it) myself. Before I pushed the button, a wave of anxiety hit me. That was all I needed to feel to KNOW this was the right thing to do. I threw away old expectations and beliefs based on hearsay and conjecture (I wonder how much fact actually lives in expectations) and pushed the button. Instantaneously, the anxiety turned into excitement for what may happen next, what door this may have opened. Old habits are hard to break but I think it is time for me to let go some more. I enjoy being an artist and a shopkeeper.
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