I Yearn Therefore I Am

I was having lunch today with some friends when Tom used the word "yearning." I mentioned that people don't use the work "yearning" much. To be honest, I thought I should look it up just in case it is one of those words I use incorrectly (yes, it happens). One definition that kept popping up is "To have a strong, often melancholy desire. " Seems intense to me. But, I can also relate.

As an emerging artist, I have notice that I have many yearnings. I yearn to create original and impactful art. I also yearn to sell it. Sometimes, since I am single, I yearn for a relationship and companionship. Ironically, in past relationships, I have yearned to be single again. I think this is nothing more than "the grass is always greener." I digress.

It is the fact that there is melancholy attached to the strong desire that I fine the most interesting. But it is true, I do have some pensiveness and/or sadness attached to the idea of selling my art work. I have to let it go and live its own life away from me so I do mourn a bit when I sell. On the flip side, when I'm not selling, I mourn the lack of money. In creating the art, a similar process takes place. I have a very strong desire to create something "good" and yet, if I don't or suspend the notion of "good", I'm left with the simple act of creating regardless of the impact so my urge goes unsatisfied. I continue to yearn.

At times, I yearn to stop yearning. Fat chance that will happen! I would prefer to focus on the here and now, the process, the act of creating and let the future and goals sort themselves out for themselves. But as hard as I try, I still have some future focus, some desire that is currently going unfulfilled. Maybe that is human nature. Maybe it is okay to yearn, knowing that if/when my desire is fulfilled, things will change and that is where the sadness comes in, mourning what was while embracing what can or will be. I feel like I'm making this more complex than it is. Basically, in order for me to get something, I have to let go of something else first. In that context, yearning may not be so bad after all. And, it really may be the right description for creating something new or letting something go.

I just noticed that I have resin all over my leg. I yearn to be clean so I have to go wash my leg.