Now vs Ideals

This week I experienced a roller coaster of emotions which resulted in a roller coaster in activity and creativity levels. Emotionally, I was higher than high and a day a two, rather down and blue. As one would expect, my activity level was higher when I was in a good mood up to a point. When I was in a super good mood, my activity level nose dived even though my energy was high. I was unable to focus and concentrate on any one thing for a duration of time. Likewise, when I was down, my activity level was still good until I started to feel myself slip into a more sad state. Then again, my activity level crashed.

So during extreme states, activity was not present regardless of my level of energy. However, in these extreme states, my creativity soared. Idea after idea, image after image came to me. It was as if I could tap the "flow" easier when I was experiencing raw emotional states no matter what the emotion was. That was interesting but didn't really surprise me. The surprising part is the images and ideas I received were not reflective of my emotional state at the time. I didn't necessarily receive happy images when I was happy, nor sad images when I was sad. The ideas I had seemed to reflect my feelings toward something, not my mood in general. Fortunately, I was able to remember and be inspired by most of the ideas. I didn't lose many of them going about my day to day activities.

I was going to say that now my problem is having enough time to create the ideas that have/do come to me. That isn't completely true. I have more time than I utilize. My stumbling block is starting, and continuing to work on them. Starting in particular is the hard part. I have a fear that I won't be able to create or do justice to the idea. Instead of using the idea as a starting point, a source of inspiration, I often look up to the idea as the art itself. It isn't. It is only and idea. I compare my creations to the ideas in my head. And if my creation falls short, and is most likely would since the ideas are just that, ideas, I become critical and judgemental. I put myself down as well. And hence, I'm resistant to begin.

I have another fear before I begin. A completely irrational one. I might actually create what I am imagining or create something even better. Then what? I have to do it again, and then again. I put tons of pressure on myself on the final product before I even begin. These fears linked to beginning a project are real and yet useless. I'm focusing on what it can be, could be, should be, might be, instead of focusing on the moment and what it is. Once I catch myself "obsessing" on the future, an imaginary future at that, I can at times bring myself back. Once I do, my level of activity increases. I have to be vigilant. I drift off often and then have to bring myself back. The concept of suspending judgement I find is a good tool to indicate when I'm drifting. If I'm judging, I'm comparing.

The less I compare, the more I tend to live in the moment, albeit if only for seconds or minutes at a time. The more I'm in the moment, the more the ideas come even when my emotions are all over the board.