Stupid Questions

This past week I was looking at "Ask stupid questions. Growth is fueled by desire and innocence. Assess the answer, not the question. Imagine learning throughout your life at the rate of an infant," from Bruce Mau's "Incomplete Manifesto for Growth." On the surface, this seemed like a fairly simple suggestion. In reality, I found it extremely difficult to apply or see the positive impact I wanted to receive.

All throughout my career in the corporate world, I heard and said that the only dumb questions are the ones not asked. I'm sure many dumb questions are never asked everyday of the work week. Who wants to be that person? I have even heard the preface "this may be a dumb question but..." It takes the edge off a bit or just lets the world know that I don't see the value in the question I'm asking. But at least it was asked and it was out there. More often than not, the stupid questions generate a healthy discussion and may influence the final outcomes decisions. That is the point, growth.

In a creative capacity, I spend most of my working day alone. I may have had a stupid question but there was no one immediately near to ask. Hence my issue. To ask a stupid question, I have to suspend my ego and self criticism and ask the question. But I also wanted some to ask. That was at first. In addition, I found myself searching and searching for stupid questions. I was forcing it. That wasn't helpful either. Just as with art, when it is forced, it shows.

As the week progressed and I continued to look at the suggestion that I post weekly on my wall near my computer as a reminder, I started talking to myself. Since the wine was safely corked in the kitchen, I figured I was losing my mind or I was lonely. I don't think it was either case actually. I was looking for someone to hear and possibly answer my stupid questions and I found someone, me.

Many of the times my questions arose were when I was procrastinating or I felt I had a hurdle in front of me. I asked the question and I answered it. I often smiled and/or chuckled because, well, I was talking to myself aloud and my questions were stupid and the answers were equally crazy. It did however break the self made tension over the roadblock I was facing. I immediately was able and did breakthrough. On a few occasions, my answers were dump and I gave myself some insight, both in how I think and feel, but possibly how things may work around me. Regardless of which situation, the end result was action, movement and energy, all with a smile on my face. Once I got past the notion that I was feeling stupid doing this at all, I found this to be a liberating exercise.

This week, I will examine the next suggestions in the "Incomplete Manifesto for Growth" by Bruce Mau which is "Collaborate. The space between people working together is filled with conflict, friction, strife, exhilaration, delight, and vast creative potential."

Don't Worry, Be Creative

The current economic crisis in the US got me thinking about what is happening, how it go to this level, what and how are addressing it and how all of it may or will impact me now and in the future. That's a lot to think about in addition to all my day to day stuff and my daily attempt to create a masterpiece. Throw in my disillusionment of the current presidential election and my head is swimming with thoughts, mostly negative. This is toxic. It is poison to my general well being and it is deadly for creative ideas.

I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. I mean negative, not on the left. I wasn't in a bad mood per se but I was carrying a feeling of despair. It was a heavy feeling. I was unable to work. The creative flow was avoiding me, or rather, I was probably pushing it away. I had other things that I had to do so I shifted my focus. I also started thinking about the economic crisis, as it is being referred to. Can I can control or influence it? Has any of my actions been to blame for it? I concluded that this situation is out of my control. Therefore it is pointless and a waste of time and energy for me to worry about it. I can influence it, or at least its impact on me, indirectly. I made sure that my investments were as sounds as possible given what I know today. Am I to fault? I don't think so. I don't have bad credit. I pay my bills. I don't have a mortgage I can't afford. And I don't give credit to those who are over their heads for whatever reason. I will in the future watch my investments closer so that I invest in companies that do not put money over people in the future. All of this was the rant in my head as I went about doing stuff half ass.

I noticed something after I decided that I wasn't going to worry about this and I would be just fine as this works itself out. My mood lifted and my creative urge returned. I also have a boost in energy as well. I wonder how many other times I have held on to things, ideas, concepts, issues that didn't involve me but yet I took them on. This is definitely an energy drain. A creativity drain as well. Doing my own thing with the confidence that I will handle whatever comes my way so far seems to be the biggest push for my creative side. Non-creative types may not fully understand what I'm talking about today but I'll let them worry about that.

;-)

Self Accountability & Time Management

Two themes have cropped up for me over the past few days, self accountability and time management. Both I believe are interconnected, or at least can me. I find my "to do list" increasing in length while the number of items I scratch off are fewer and fewer. I'm procrastinating and seemingly wasting time, or better put, focusing on things that are not addressing the items on my list. I'm doing something. I'm just not doing the "right" things. I'm not painting as much as I want to. I'm not arranging gallery exhibits as often as I like. I'm not doing the necessary admin work that any business naturally has. These are just a few examples.

I did some research. One suggestion was to make a weekly plan and assign myself someone to be accountable to. I didn't like that idea. It doesn't really solve the core issue of SELF accountability. It makes me accountable to someone else (like having a boss) but this person has no authority. There are still no repercussions for non action. I'm interested in setting a plan and following through with or without anyone one there looking over my shoulder. I haven't found the answer yet.

The other topic of time management which I feel lately has slipped from me has numerous gurus out there. People earn livings by assisting others with time management. The best suggestion I have heard lately is to stop the multitasking that we have all heard about and most attempt to do. Instead, become single taskers. The idea is to set a portion of time aside, say 1 hour. That hour is dedicated to one and only one task. That is the focus for that time period. No email, no phone calls, no Internet surfing, no online chat, no cleaning, nothing but focus on the task. Easier said than done. Even while writing I have caught myself checking email a few times. I can see however that but establishing focus time, I can work without distraction and move things forward. The trick I think is remaining without distractions.

When the time is up. Stop, take a small break, allow the distractions back in for a short time. I don't believe I can keep them at bay for the entire day. Then, set the clock, pick another task, and focus. I may view this as a game. How long can I focus? I suspect over time this will become habitual. As I recently heard, it isn't how many ideas I have nor projects I'm working on. It is what gets completed that actually yields results. For a given time period, select the priority and finish it. Do in this repeatedly and consistently will develop the self accountability I am looking for.

Don't Be Cool

This past week, I was playing with the idea of "Don’t be cool.
Cool is conservative fear dressed in black. Free yourself from limits of this sort." from Bruce Mau's "Incomplete Manifesto for Growth."

At first I didn't have much to say about this one. I interpreted it to mean be myself. Okay, seems easy enough but what does that really mean? Being cool is like being politically correct. I don't know if the Fonz would agree with me. I censor myself for the benefit of others due to fear or as a self defense mechanism. But what exactly am I protecting myself from by not being myself? Criticism, judgement, ridicule, praise, honor, recognition. These are all actions or attitudes others bestow upon me. These are energetic emotions, positive and negative coming my way originating from others.

Here's the tricky part. If I bestow these actions myself, for myself, on myself, I am the origin of the energy for my benefit. I take out the middle man. But being cool will keep me from doing this. Why? In some circles, it isn't cool to do your own thing. But, the energy I generate from doing my own thing is the very energy I need and use to propel me forward, to take risks, to create. Being the uncool self I am gives me strength to be more uncool. The more uncool, the more unique I am. The more unique I am, the more energetic and the original my creations, artistic or otherwise, become.

The funny part is that down deep, everyone is basically the same, uncool. Any yet admitting it and showing our uncool side is not as common as it could be. There are those we all know that are so uncool, they are actually cool. We admire them for their independence and individuality. I suppose my final assessment is I want to recognize when I am doing or saying something because that is truly was I want, feel or think versus doing something to attain a reaction from another.

This week I will examine "Ask stupid questions. Growth is fueled by desire and innocence. Assess the answer, not the question. Imagine learning throughout your life at the rate of an infant."

Now vs Ideals

This week I experienced a roller coaster of emotions which resulted in a roller coaster in activity and creativity levels. Emotionally, I was higher than high and a day a two, rather down and blue. As one would expect, my activity level was higher when I was in a good mood up to a point. When I was in a super good mood, my activity level nose dived even though my energy was high. I was unable to focus and concentrate on any one thing for a duration of time. Likewise, when I was down, my activity level was still good until I started to feel myself slip into a more sad state. Then again, my activity level crashed.

So during extreme states, activity was not present regardless of my level of energy. However, in these extreme states, my creativity soared. Idea after idea, image after image came to me. It was as if I could tap the "flow" easier when I was experiencing raw emotional states no matter what the emotion was. That was interesting but didn't really surprise me. The surprising part is the images and ideas I received were not reflective of my emotional state at the time. I didn't necessarily receive happy images when I was happy, nor sad images when I was sad. The ideas I had seemed to reflect my feelings toward something, not my mood in general. Fortunately, I was able to remember and be inspired by most of the ideas. I didn't lose many of them going about my day to day activities.

I was going to say that now my problem is having enough time to create the ideas that have/do come to me. That isn't completely true. I have more time than I utilize. My stumbling block is starting, and continuing to work on them. Starting in particular is the hard part. I have a fear that I won't be able to create or do justice to the idea. Instead of using the idea as a starting point, a source of inspiration, I often look up to the idea as the art itself. It isn't. It is only and idea. I compare my creations to the ideas in my head. And if my creation falls short, and is most likely would since the ideas are just that, ideas, I become critical and judgemental. I put myself down as well. And hence, I'm resistant to begin.

I have another fear before I begin. A completely irrational one. I might actually create what I am imagining or create something even better. Then what? I have to do it again, and then again. I put tons of pressure on myself on the final product before I even begin. These fears linked to beginning a project are real and yet useless. I'm focusing on what it can be, could be, should be, might be, instead of focusing on the moment and what it is. Once I catch myself "obsessing" on the future, an imaginary future at that, I can at times bring myself back. Once I do, my level of activity increases. I have to be vigilant. I drift off often and then have to bring myself back. The concept of suspending judgement I find is a good tool to indicate when I'm drifting. If I'm judging, I'm comparing.

The less I compare, the more I tend to live in the moment, albeit if only for seconds or minutes at a time. The more I'm in the moment, the more the ideas come even when my emotions are all over the board.

Slow Down

This past week, I was looking at thirteenth suggestion from Bruce Mau's "Incomplete Manifesto for Growth" which is "Slow down.
Desynchronize from standard time frames and surprising opportunities may present themselves."

I found desynchronizing from standard time frames difficult, another example of my corporate brainwashing influencing my thinking. But, what I was able to do and witness was very interesting. I have continued to wake up without an alarm. For the first month, I woke up at the same time give or take 10 minutes. But on those occasions when I woke up on the later side, I would panic a bit, tell myself I'm late and fly out of bed. The remainder of the morning I felt rushed and behind schedule. Why? I didn't miss an appointment and at the end of the day everything I wanted to accomplish (truly wanted to accomplish) was completed. So the sense of rushing just added to aggravation of the day, no to its level of productivity. This past week, I have been waking up nearly an hour later than last month. The more I contain my knee jerk reaction to rush around to "make up time", the more easy my day goes, the things I do, and the more I enjoy doing them, instead of resenting the chores on my to do list.

Another way I have been attempting to disconnect from standard time frames is noticing that I don't have to paint daily. Some days I push paintings forward, some days I don't. If I attempt to push them on days when I'm not "feeling it", those are the days where the paintings are lifeless and boring. When I feel it, the paintings are more bold, I take chances, I experiment and I allow the paintings to evolve naturally.

This takes me to my final observation on the subject (for now). Standard time frames, as they are called, are not of my creation. I did not decide what these standard time frames are nor did I have any input. Any yet, I felt that I was expected to comply, uphold, and work within the standard time frames. No. I think these are guides. I cannot say that standard time frames work for me or not. I haven't experimented enough with the concept but these are ideas thrust upon me. The expectations of others. The only expectation that I agree to adhere to is if I have arranged a meeting with others at a certain time. That is a time frame that all parties involved negotiated. Outside of that, time is mine when it comes to my stuff. Others may see me moving slowly, others quickly. Ultimately however, it is up to me to decide whether I am moving slowly or quickly and if that is okay for the moment.

Overall I have noticed that in the six months that I have been a full time artist, my daily schedule has slowly drifted later in the day. My day now starts a full 2-2.5 hours later than it use to. I'm also more productive, more creative and happier. As long a possible, I will allow schedules and time frames to continue to be fluid and morph as necessary. Especially now knowing that I accomplish more in a less structured environment.

This week I will look at "Don’t be cool. Cool is conservative fear dressed in black. Free yourself from limits of this sort."

Love, Sexuality and Creativity

Over the past few weeks, I noticed that the theme of love, sexuality and creativity has come up in conversation several times. The first time I just thought that it was an interesting collection of items that someone considered linked. But when it continued to present itself, I figured I should think about it some.

On the surface, I had a difficult time understanding how these three items were connected. Each seemingly can function on its own. And I think they can. But I also believe there is one element that is present in each, passion. Passion in the sense of an outburst of strong emotion or feeling. All three, love, sexuality and creativity are the result of some form of emotional outburst, an overflow, a extension beyond myself.

So what does it mean in practical terms that these things are somehow linked? I think the point is they are not practical, nor safe. These are the results of and the source of emotional outbursts. For love or sexuality or creativity to exist and continue to exist, continual emotional extensions are necessary. That is to say, they are all forms of sharing myself with others. With that, these items have another component in common, vulnerability. Any instance of exposing myself comes with it a sense of vulnerability, whether I'm accustomed to it or not. The result of expressing myself with the vulnerability is either love, sexuality or creativity, or possibly all three. So, I may be concerned how others may react to what I have to say (the vulnerability part) but I still have to say it (the extension part). Piece by piece, over time, by doing this, I think love, sexuality and creativity will grow and flourish allowing these items to survive independent of each other and supportive of each other.

I'm going to look for examples of this in my life and report back.

Chicago AIDS Walk/Run Donations

Donate Here

I will be participating in the 2008 AIDS Run & Walk Chicago. Please support my efforts by making a pledge or joining me to stomp out AIDS on Saturday, September 20, 2008 at this critical event in Grant Park. By making a pledge to me, you help support more than 150 Chicagoland organizations whose work is so critical in the fight against HIV/AIDS. You can also sign up to walk or run with me! Register Now!

Keep Moving

This past week I was playing with the idea "Keep moving. The market and its operations have a tendency to reinforce success. Resist it. Allow failure and migration to be part of your practice," from Bruce Mau's "Incomplete Manifesto for Growth." At first, I found it confusing. I didn't understand the idea of resisting reinforced success. I became clearer as the week progressed.

Several weeks ago I decided to set a goal for myself. I am working on a series of self portraits using my newly discovered resin techniques. The final series will consist of 12 images (I want to produce a calendar) so there is the possibility I may create more than 12 images depending on how many work and how many don't. The objective of the series is to examine and document how my technique, composition and theme of the images reflect how I see myself, my moods and feelings over time. I don't know what to expect except 12 amazing images.

I finished the first image. IT WAS AWFUL. I refuse to sign it so far in attempt to refuse ownership. I began the second image and it was progressing along the similar path as the first albeit a bit more aesthetically pleasing. And then it happened. I made a mistake. What do to, what to do. In keeping with the week's challenge, and many of the concepts addressed previously, I continued working. I chalked it up to a learning experience and perhaps I would get the third image right. More mistakes. The images was turning quickly into a bad direction. I stepped back and considered leaving it and beginning a new one. But, I decided I would continue and finish the piece like I finished the first one. I wanted to suspend judgement. I thought I had. I really didn't.

I was sitting on the floor looking at the image examining all the "flaws" when I began thinking of ways to cover the flaws or integrating the mistakes into the image. Then, the mistakes would no longer be mistakes, or at least that is how I rationalized it. I had nothing to lose. I didn't like the image as is so this would be an experiment of sorts. Instead of walking away, I continued to work the piece. I addressed one of the earlier mistakes. The "fix" integrated nicely and yielded a new look, one I had not considered previously. Feeling a bit more energized and positive, I address the new one. Again, I judged the result positive. Then the "flow" hit me and I was applying the "fix" to the entire image, reshaping it, redefining it. At a point, something inside me told me to stop and step back. When I returned a few hours later, I was pleasantly surprised with what I saw. The image had emotion. My emotion. It may not look like me but I was definitely represented.

If I had not continued working, I would have continued to do the same thing over and over again on future painting, which was not giving me what I wanted. However, when I accepted the mistakes and then worked with them, instead of letting them work against me, I got more than I had imagined. Not only was the image heading in a new and better direction, I was energized to move in a new and better direction as well.

This week I will look at "Slow down. Desynchronize from standard time frames and surprising opportunities may present themselves." Talk about challenging my corporate brainwashing...

Art Exhibit Opening

Last night I had a Opening Reception for a group show I was participating in. It doesn't seem to matter how many shows I have done in the past, I'm still excited, anxious and nervous at the same time. It is fun to see my work hanging on a wall other than mine own. There is a sense of validation that my art is "good enough" to be on display and sold. In addition, that is a part of me on the wall, sometimes a raw part of me. So I also feel rather vulnerable at the same time. I want people to like my work. I want people to buy it. If they do like it and buy it, I feel pressure, albeit self induced, to do create good art again. Or even better pieces. So exhibits can be a mixed bag of emotions.

I also noticed that the idea of developing a thick skin to handle the inevitable criticism is a balancing act. If my skin is thick so negative judgements bounce right off, I may not hear the opportunities to improve going forward. Some specific criticism is a good thing. But also, more importantly, the praise and positive support from others also will bounce off if my skin is too thick. There is an optimal skin thickness to let in the positive and keep out the negative. It is kind of like wearing sunscreen at the beach. I want to feel the sun, but I don't want to get burned. Sometimes it works, and sometimes I miss a spot when applying the sunscreen and end up with a red mark for a few days. Art exhibits are very similar. I checked this morning. No red spots, no bruises.

I also find myself comparing my work to that of other artists. This, although completely natural, is also a waste of time and energy. If an artist, any artist, is being true and honest to themselves and their craft, their work by definition will be unique. That is the point. A unique perspective, in approach, content and delivery. It is comparing apples to oranges. I now try to admire other people's work and not to compare.

Overall the opening went well. I had many, many people come out to support me. I also noticed many people off the streets stopping and discussing my art work. (I always keep an eye out for which works tend to capture people's attention.) I'm very happy with the way the evening turned out. And thank you to all those who supported me (present or not).

Now, on to the next show...

I Expect Everything

Grey day, grey mood, too many unrealistic expectations. This is how I started the day. I was recently brought to my attention that I have many expectations regarding things about which I have no control. This would include other people's behavior, likes and dislikes, or events that are have a high probablity of not occurring. All day today I have been struggling with the notion that I can acknowledge and occassionally change my expectations, and then go on. And by changing my expectations, possibly have more of them satisfied.

I have 40 years experience of placing expectations on others, without them knowing it, and then secretly being disappointed when the expectations go unfulfilled. Soon after resentment begins to build. I like the idea of the other approach. Modify my expectations to things I can control or influence, namely my behavior, and let everything else go. The first part I can see doing and I can see the benefits. It is similar to personal goal setting or a self pep talk. The second half however, letting everything else go, including the behavior of others seems completely foreign to me. I understand that it enough to know that it makes perfect sense, intellectually speaking. But from an emotional standpoint, I've never done it. I can't visualize what that would look like or feel. And hence my dilemma.

The one part that I think is fascinating is that if/when I can let go of placing expectations on others or things outside my control, I will, in theory, experience less disappointment and resentment. Focus inward, not outward. I totally get it. I will have to play with this. I don't know how to do it.

A Stream of Ideas

This past week (I start many of my blogs this way), I was focus on integrating "Harvest ideas. Edit applications. Ideas need a dynamic, fluid, generous environment to sustain life. Applications, on the other hand, benefit from critical rigor. Produce a high ratio of ideas to applications," from Bruce Mau's "Incomplete Manifesto for Growth." I found this to be an interesting exercise that I suspect and hope that I will continue going forward.

I interpreted this suggestion as a focus on unadulterated, unedited ideas. Allow the ideas to flow, whatever they may be and look for applications later. The result is cool. I initially had to "turn off" my editing or judgement filter when an idea randomly entered my mind AND I was aware of it. I'm sure that many other ideas came and went either do to not being aware I was given an idea or I was unaware that my filter was still actively working. Overtime however, I began to question "the filter." The filter was often based on old, untrue prejudices or notions and beliefs that I heard from someone else. The filter was also at times based in fear of change. But, more than anything, I became aware of "the filter."

Once I realized that when I received an idea and the voice in my head kicking in nearly instantaneously afterwards was actually my filter, I could ignore the filter. I couldn't turn it off, but I can acknowledge it and ignore it. Then I was left with the raw idea. I had/have many of them each day. I began to brainstorm and actively participate in free association whenever my mind wasn't otherwise occupied, even for a split second. It feels like I found a radio channel that continuously streams ideas and all I needed was tune my receiver to the correct frequency to catch them. It feels strange and natural at the same time. I am NOT use to this yet. I think there is much, much more here to explore.

So, while I notice the stream of ideas, I try to capture a few. I make a mental note or write them down. After a few days, I reviewed the ideas. I have many more ideas, good and practical ideas than I did before. And most of the ideas, as raw as they may be, need little or no adjustment to make them realistic, to make them real. Most of the adjustments were to focus the ideas on specific projects or desires that I have. I believe the raw ideas would probably work just fine.

My advice: notice "the filter", allow the ideas to flow, take note and review later. The ideas may be very quiet and come in unexpected times, but they are there for the picking.

This week I will review "Keep moving. The market and its operations have a tendency to reinforce success. Resist it. Allow failure and migration to be part of your practice."